3/10/22
I’ve previously argued that if a person breaks their leg, they aren’t gonna hesitate to use crutches, If a person loses a leg they aren’t going to be like “no I’m good, I dont want a wheel chair, I’ll just scooch my ass across the floor.” (whether or not they get a prosthetic is more than I’m looking at with this metaphor). So why do people treat mental health issues like they are fine when they are obviously not? With mobility issues people are quick to be like “yep, I need something to navigate spaces.” However, with mental health issues people pretend that they don’t need anything to navigate their own life. So if we treat meds like a crutch, cane, or wheel chair and therapy like physical therapy… they may be permanent, they may be temporary, so why are they treated with such shame and often met with denial of there being a problem in the first place?
That being said, my resentencing has me seriously messed up. It is (potentially) the difference between me dying in prison, or me getting out 10 years from now. That’s a big terrifying deal. Then on top of that I am having to go over the everything with psychologists who are going to testify at my resentencing. My crime, my damage, the child abuse, everything. I feel guilt and shame about what I did to come to prison every day. I have to think about it every day, I can’t not. But I don’t normally talk about it all that much.
I have been off psych meds for the last eight years. It was a long hard journey, doing my personal work, to get to a place where I didn’t need antidepressants just to make it out of bed in the morning, and to make it to the end of the day each night.
I recently made the difficult choice to get back on meds because of how much I’m struggling with everything around my resentencing.
As I’ve said before, meds can be as permanent as a wheelchair, or as temporary as a crutch. As for me, I think maybe they are like a cane that sits in the hall closet during the good times, but is pulled out and dusted off every now and then when needed. And right now, I need it.
I feel some shame around this. Like, I’m not good enough, like I’ve somehow failed because I wasn’t able to just deal and stay off the meds. But I can’t let that stop me from being honest about where I’m at and getting the help I need.
So now I’m taking an anti-anxiety med each night before bed and it is helping.
Amber Fayefox Kim 