*****TRIGGER WARNING*****
This post discusses unwanted sexual advances and contains sexual language.
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I’m not quite sure how to delve into this topic with my normal unflappable flare. I don’t think I actually have the framework to talk about this properly. However, I’m going to do my best with it because I am feeling like it may be helpful to bring this up. So with out further adieu…
Twice this week I returned to my cell to a note asking if I was interested in casual sex. I receive quite a few of these, usually one every other week or so. These more or less anonymous letters follow a fairly set pattern, usually containing at least four elements of the note below. What makes this particular note unique is that it contains every single element I commonly see in these notes, plus having gotten two of them in as many days is motivating me to share this and discuss my thoughts and feelings about it. Essentially, here’s another #MeToo moment from a transwoman stuck in a prison full of gross horny boys.
I have redacted two points that could conceivably help someone narrow down who wrote it. All misspellings and punctuation is same as original.
“Amber,
So look, I see you. I prefer woman – but you are cute, and I am sexually attracted. Ain’t the first time, and I am not an individual to be treated as a woman. I like head, pussy, and ass. That’s it. Are you discreet? Do you keep your business to yourself? Are you interested? I want to make sure you are not an individual, that will tell my business, I associate with individuals that it would be best if they never new that I liked feminen looking boys. If you know how to keep me to yourself – and not put my business in the yard and are interested, put a piece of paper on your bars with just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on it, so I can glance at it the next time I have the opportunity to [redacted, could indicate where person lives]. If a yes, I will let you know where to meet me, to introduce myself. [redacted, indicates person’s race]”
Taking one part at a time, I will dissect this note and discuss my thoughts and feelings in relation to it.
First up, I have never received one of these that didn’t start with my name alone. No hello, how are you, or even “Dear Amber. Just “Amber.” The comma after is apparently optional.
The author then immediately launches into how he normally is attracted to women, while establishing that in his eyes, I am not a woman. If he could “see me,” he would see a girl that only uses the word “trans” to describe herself for the benefit of other’s understanding. Not a “feminen looking boy” as he insultingly puts it.
Next, after establishing himself as normally hetero, he establishes that he is not just a man, but a macho man. “I am not an individual to be treated as a woman.” This sentence has a smorgasbord of potential readings. Does the author mean sexually, socially, emotionally? Or possibly intended some other meaning that would only make sense in the author’s personal world view. However the author meant it, I take it as a devaluing of the gender group I identify with.
After this he explicitly states what kind of sex he is looking for. Because obviously, if I wasn’t already swooning with desire from being objectified, misgendered, and devalued, learning what kinds of sex is being offered will just make my heart go all a pitter-patter.
This is followed by making it clear: this is sex, only sex. To accept this offer is to become someone’s dirty little secret. I am expected to advertise my agreement to the world, and he gets to set the tone for meeting. Presumably with another anonymous note. His self preservation is clearly more important than my safety.
The last sentence of this note is used to indicate the person’s race. As if the only information I rationally need to pick a mate is that 1) if they are attracted to me 2) what kind of sex they want and 3) their race. These are the three things found in every single note like this I have ever gotten and proves the lie of the author’s first sentence. If the author of this note could see me, even a little, they would see that I put up with shit not just for being trans, but for being actively anti-racist. And BTW, not on the market!
So I now have a sign hung up in my cell. It reads as follows:
“To whom it may concern,
HELL TO THE F*CK NO!
Sincerely, The Management”
I am hoping this cuts down on this BS. Because casual anonymous sex with total strangers who devalue my very existence is so not on my to do list. No thanks, I’ll pass. #MeToo
Amber Fayefox Kim 